The Complexity of Choice: Abortion, Motherhood, and the Adoption Conversation

I am pro-choice. I am an adoptive mom. I am a journalist. I’ve wrestled with stories that cut deep, that challenge our sensibilities, that push us to look beyond the surface. A recent Washington Post article — about a young woman named Evelyn choosing adoption after two failed abortion attempts is that type of story. It resonated with me, not only because I know the wonderful woman who adopted Evelyn’s daughter, but as an adoptive mother who’s knee-deep in learning about the complex feelings some adoptees have. It also resonated with me as a human being who feels compassion for a scared, overwhelmed 23-year-old hiding her pregnancy from her parents, while also racing against a clock imposed by the new law in Texas that bans abortion after six weeks.

The piece, in my opinion, was well-crafted and deeply researched, the kind of journalism that fosters dialogue. With dialogue can come fiery feedback, as reflected in hundreds of comments on the Washington Post social media accounts. Some readers felt the story framed adoption as a band-aid we slap on the gaping wound of lost reproductive rights. With the possibility of a national abortion ban looming over our heads, the stakes are higher than ever. The fear and anger tangible. Women across the nation are grappling with the possibility of losing autonomy over their bodies, and the suggestion that adoption is the answer is not just overly simplistic — it’s dangerous for women and the adoptee community. For the record, I don’t think the journalist’s reporting suggested that in any way. I do, however, understand how it could be seen that way.

I adopted my son as a single 49-year-woman and I can tell you, my decision to adopt wasn’t about filling a void or offering a solution to a problem. It was about creating a family, something millions of people do every day. I understand the immense responsibility that comes with adoption, particularly because it’s a process that starts with someone else’s difficult choice.

I have sat across from birth mothers and listened to them describe just how painful those choices can be. My adoption agency required I attend an in-person seminar. Two days. Real stories. Birth mothers and adoptees laying their lives bare. For decades, adoption narratives have been spun into a harmful web of fairy tales that fail to acknowledge the loss, the identity struggles, and the ripple effects that can last a lifetime. They don’t do justice to the adoptees, and they sure don’t help the cause of women fighting for their reproductive rights.

The adoption conversation is not a consolation prize or a political bargaining chip. It’s a choice that exists on its own complex, emotional plane. It’s a decision as intimate and personal as the decision to become a mother — by birth, by adoption, or not at all.

So, to the journalist who brought Evelyn’s story to light, I see you. Your reporting contributed to a conversation we need to have, with all its uncomfortable, raw edges. As an adoptive mom doing her best to raise a child with an awareness of his own story, I understand the gravity of what we’re discussing. It’s about people’s lives, their choices, and the respect we owe to those choices.

To those who see adoption as a solution to abortion bans, you are part of the problem. As we stand at this crossroads, with the threat of an abortion ban casting long shadows, let’s not oversimplify. Let’s not point to adoption as the fix-all. Instead, let’s strive for a world where women have the autonomy to make the best decisions for themselves, and where each child, each birth mother, each adoptive family, can write their own story — one that’s respected for its depth, its pain, and its beauty.